Well, I am back after three days in Amsterdam (where the tulips come from). KLM are really very good. I cannot explain why they are good, save that a) They had cheaper flights from Heathrow than anyone else did b) They seem to make a lot less fuss than anyone else does and c) I rather prefer the sky blue of KLM than the dark blue of others. Schipol is an interesting place. Lots of signs to the shops, more shops, things you may need which are really important, like the position of Orion in the night sky, more shops (perhaps, indeed, on Orion) and very few signs to things which they obviously deem unimportant like the Exit and the arrivals or departure lounges. Lesson number 1: if you have a humungous 6 runway airport then you also get humungous distances involved, such as from the plane to the baggage hall, for which trek you will need water, a good pair of stout boots, a sleeping bag and possibly, a tent.

We stayed at the Crown Plaza in the centre of town, mainly because they offered a good rate with breakfast. True, there are hotels that are advertised cheaper than this one, but they seemed to be miles away from anything remotely resembling, er… Amsterdam or were slightly dodgy places where you can get stoned, for free, on the way to bed.

I did not like the famed Red Light District (well, one has to, doesn’t one). It is dirty, smelly and full of drunken butchers from Luton singing “Hoodah hardah hardenhaden, Jimmy’s on his stag night, up the lads” and girls wearing something about “Helens Hens”. This is a very, very sad place with some very sad people in it. Oh! Yes! That reminds me, the language. You know I am sure there are no Dutch singers, I mean, with that awful gutteral language… Someone said, once, that Dutch is not a language, it is a disease of the throat. They were right.

Gastronomically, the place is a desert. There is no such thing as “Dutch Cuisine” which probably explains why they all seem to have bad skin. Certainly, the rubbish eating places (I don’t think “restaurant” is a viable word, here) that litter the place would have Gordon Ramsay not just shutting an eaterie down, he would shut the whole country down.

Crossing the road is a nightmare. In fact, you take your life in your hands walking out of the hotel. In the UK you have to contend with two sides of the road. Most of us can deal with that. Not in Amsterdam (where the Tulips come from, by the way) No, no, no, no…. you have to contend with the car bit, the tram bit and then the cyclist bit. It is the cyclist bit that is worst. Bicycles are driven by complete psycopaths who stop for nobody. The trouble is, you have no idea which bit belongs to whom and who is driving on what. I mean, you check the tramway and suddenly a taxi switches from the road and starts driving down the tramway, you check the cycle path – (or what you think is the cyclepath) and then along roars a motorbike. The only safe thing to do is walk in the road.

Coffeshops. Dumps. Full of rather unsavoury people doing rather unsavoury things in rather unsavoury surroundings. Avoid these. Oh! and Fashion has been abolished in Holland (Well, what does one expect from a country whose contribution to the world’s catwalks is, er……. clogs)

Amsterdam (where the tulips come from) lacks a “buzz” which you have in London or Paris, Prague or New Yoik (even Brussels – and that’s saying something!). There are redeeming features to a trip, here. Like going to the Tulip Gardens at Keukenhof. These are truly stunning when in full season. Take a tip, though, book a trip from your hotel, do not try and DIY it. You queue for the bus, then for the tickets, then to get in…. Zaansche Sands is worth a trip so is the Van Gough Museum. Public Transport is efficient and cheap.

So, all in all, worth a day or so to tick this capital off your list. Useful for passing through on the way to somewhere else (anywhere else!) but no big deal.

Apart from the tulips, that is….